Nate's Place: Melbourne's #1 Backpacker Haven! (Amazing Reviews!)
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because we're diving headfirst into a hotel review and it's gonna be… well, let's just say it's gonna be real. Forget perfectly manicured prose, we're going for messy, delicious, and overflowing with opinions. I've got a lot of caffeine in my system, so here we go!
Let’s Call it The Grand Whatchamacallit (for the sake of this review, let's pretend!)
Listen. I've stayed in places that promised the world and delivered… a slightly damp napkin. And I've stayed in places that, frankly, felt like they were trying to kill me with bad lighting. So, The Grand Whatchamacallit (still just a placeholder, by the way) had a lot to live up to. Let's break it down, shall we?
(Meta: Because we have to, right?)
- Keywords: Luxury Hotel Review, Accessibility, Spa, Fitness Center, Pool, Restaurants, Wi-Fi, Cleanliness, Safety, COVID-19 protocols (the new normal, sigh), Family-Friendly, Business, all rooms, Amenities, The Grand Whatchamacallit (just for fun!), etc… etc…
(Accessibility: The Heartbreak of Good Intentions)
Okay, this is where things get a little… patchy. I arrived with a friend who uses a wheelchair. The website said "wheelchair accessible" and, bless their hearts, they tried. The lobby was fine, and the elevator worked. BUT… there were these little speed bumps at the entrance of the pool, tiny, but killers for a wheelchair. Plus, the ramps felt… steeper than necessary. This is where my heart starts to sink. It's the feeling of, "They wanted to get it right, but…" It's a work in progress, folks, a work in desperate progress.
On-site restaurants/lounges: Didn’t get to experience all of them as my friend was unable to access a few, so the accessibility issue impacted the experience.
Wheelchair accessible: Mostly. With significant reservations. Double-check and confirm everything before you book. Seriously. Triple-check.
(Internet: Thank God for Wi-Fi, Mostly)
- Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! YES! Thank the internet gods! The signal was STRONG in my room. I actually forgot to not check my email at 2 am, which I regret, but still, it was free and fast, and that's what matters!
- Internet: Yes.
- Internet [LAN]: Also Yes.
- Internet Services: Seemed sufficient. I didn't try to order a pizza through it, but it probably could.
- Wi-Fi in public areas: Decent enough. I was able to get some work done near the pool, which, you know, #blessed.
(Things to Do/Ways to Relax: From Zen to… Zumba? Maybe Not)
- Body Scrub/Wrap: Did it. Felt like a pampered sausage. My skin smelled delicious for a week. 10/10.
- Fitness Center: Okay, gym rats, listen up. This place had a decent gym. Nothing mind-blowing, but enough treadmills, weights, and elliptical machines to crush your guilt-inducing breakfast.
- Foot Bath: Did it. Bliss.
- Gym/Fitness: See Fitness Center.
- Massage: Yes. Do it. Seriously. Book it.
- Pool with View: Ooooh baby. The pool was AMAZING. Infinity edge, overlooking… well, it was pretty damn spectacular. The view alone nearly made up for the accessibility issues at the entryway.
- Sauna/Spa/Spa/Sauna/Steamroom: All present and accounted for. I am a sucker for a good steam room, and this one delivered. My pores are still singing.
- Swimming Pool/Swimming Pool [Outdoor]: See above. Pool = heaven.
(Cleanliness and Safety: COVID-19 Edition - The New Anxiety Olympics)
This, my friends, is where the rubber meets the road. And, honestly, The Grand Whatchamacallit mostly did a damn good job.
Anti-viral cleaning products: Check. (Didn't sniff them, but trust the signs).
Daily disinfection in common areas: I saw them doing it. Constantly. Which, in the current climate, made me feel… okay.
Hand sanitizer: EVERYWHERE. Like, I think I developed a nervous tic of instinctively squirting it on my hands.
Hygiene certification: I didn’t see an official certificate hanging up, but I’m assuming it was on display somewhere.
Individually-wrapped food options: Hallelujah! The buffet was… adapted. (See "Dining" below).
Physical distancing of at least 1 meter: They tried. It's harder to maintain in certain areas than others, but they did a solid attempt.
Professional-grade sanitizing services: They looked professional.
Room sanitization opt-out available: Didn't opt-out, but I appreciated the option.
Rooms sanitized between stays: Pretty sure.
Safe dining setup: More on that later.
Sanitized kitchen and tableware items: I hope.
Staff trained in safety protocol: They seemed to be. Polite, masked, and efficient.
Sterilizing equipment: Likely.
Room sanitization opt-out available. This feels right; I like this touch
(Dining, Drinking, and Snacking: The Endless Buffet of… Dilemmas)
Okay, buckle up again. This is where things got… interesting.
- A la carte in Restaurant/Asian Cuisine Restaurant/International Cuisine Restaurant/Vegetarian restaurant: Yes. Choices.
- Alternative meal arrangement: Not utilized, though the staff seemed accommodating of requests.
- Asian breakfast/Breakfast [buffet]/Breakfast service/Buffet in restaurant/Western breakfast: …The buffet was… an experience. It was a modified buffet, which is understandable, but it was a little… disorganized. I preferred the Asian breakfast.
- Bar/Poolside bar: Yes. Drinks, views, and a little too much sun.
- Bottle of water: Always a plus.
- Coffee/tea in restaurant/Coffee Shop: Good, consistent, no complaints.
- Desserts in restaurant: Excellent. I ate a concerning amount.
- Happy Hour: I heard it was good. I was too busy enjoying the dessert.
- Room service [24-hour]: A lifesaver. Especially with the pool view at night.
- Salad in restaurant/Soup in restaurant: Yes. They also did salads and soups
- Snack Bar: I had a pre-swim snack: it was good.
(Services and Conveniences: The Good, The Bad, and the… Elevator?)
- Air conditioning in public area: Absolutely.
- Audio-visual equipment for special events/indoor/outdoor venues I do not know.
- Business facilities: Standard stuff. I could see it being useful for some…
- Cash withdrawal/Currency exchange/Invoice provided: Fine
- Concierge: Helpful, but not overly enthusiastic.
- Contactless check-in/out: Yes.
- Convenience store: Needed.
- Daily housekeeping: Excellent. My room was spotless.
- Doorman: Very friendly.
- Dry cleaning/Elevator/Facilities for disabled guests/Food delivery/Ironing service/Laundry service: Yep.
- Luggage storage: Did it for us.
- Meeting/banquet facilities/Meetings/Meeting stationery: Yes.
- On-site event hosting: I saw them doing stuff.
- Projector/LED display/Safety deposit boxes/Seminars/Shrine: Sure.
- Smoking area/Terrace: Yes.
- Wi-Fi for special events/Xerox/fax in business center: Again, good.
(For the Kids: Because Someone Has To Think About Them)
- Babysitting service: I didn't need it.
- Family/child friendly: Seemed to be.
- Kids facilities: I think so, but I didn’t see any.
- Kids meal: Not sure
(Access: The Stuff That Keeps the Lights On)
- CCTV in common areas/CCTV outside property/Check-in/out [express]/Check-in/out [private]/Couple's room/Exterior corridor/Fire extinguisher/Front desk [24-hour]/Hotel chain/Non-smoking rooms/Pets allowed unavailable/Proposal spot/Room decorations/Safety/security feature/Security [24-hour]/Smoke alarms/Soundproof rooms: all there.
(Getting Around: The Road Less Traveled)
- **Airport transfer/Bicycle parking/Car park [free of charge]/Car
Okay, buckle up Buttercup, because here's a travel itinerary for Nate's Place Backpackers in Melbourne that's less Lonely Planet, more "My Brain on Coffee and Questionable Life Choices":
Nate's Place Backpackers: Melbourne Mayhem - A Week of Questionable Decisions (But Hopefully Fun)
Day 1: Arrival and Existential Dread (Level: Beginner)
- 10:00 AM - 12:00 PM: Touchdown Melbourne! Hopefully, the baggage handlers aren't playing a cruel game of "Find the Backpack." Seriously, I feel like I packed my whole life in that thing. Ugh, the dreaded customs line… Why do I always forget to ditch the half-eaten apple in my bag? (Note to self: Remember to eat all fruit BEFORE entering international borders.)
- 12:00 PM - 1:00 PM: Skytrain to the city, should arrive around 1:00 PM.
- 1:00 PM - 2:00 PM: Finding Nate's Place. Google Maps is my only friend right now. Pray for good Wi-Fi and a lack of aggressive pigeons.
- 2:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Check-in. Pray for a decent bunk bed, not one that's haunted by the ghosts of snoring backpackers past. Bonus points if the room doesn't smell too aggressively of foot odor. Unpack… or, at least, try to. Currently feeling like I've brought ten times too much stuff.
- 4:00 PM - 6:00 PM: "Orientation" and Hostel Hangout. Listen to the hostel staff, try to act interested, and feign enthusiasm for the pub crawl. (Deep down, I'm already wondering if I can skip the pub crawl and just order pizza in my room.) Probably going to meet people and have to deal with the "Where are you from?" questions a thousand times. Do I tell them the truth, that I'm escaping my boring life?
- 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM: Dinner. Instant noodles? A brave attempt at cooking in the hostel kitchen that ends in tears? Only time will tell. Pray for a decent microwave.
- 8:00 PM - Late: The Pub Crawl. (Okay, fine, maybe I'll go). Attempt social interaction. Hope I don't embarrass myself. Maybe, maybe, meet someone interesting. Or at least someone who'll share their chips.
Day 2: Coffee, Culture, and a Possible Existential Crisis (Level: Moderate)
- 8:00 AM - 9:00 AM: Wake up. Curse the snoring roommate/the fact that I haven't slept properly in days. Caffeine is essential. Seek out the best Melbourne coffee. Or at least, the closest one. Seriously though, Aussie coffee is legendary, apparently, and I'm here for it.
- 9:00 AM - 12:00 PM: Exploring the city! Go to Hosier Lane to see the amazing street art. Instagram all the things. Wander through the laneways, get slightly lost, and then desperately use Google Maps again. Am I the only one who feels like a complete idiot navigating new cities?
- 12:00 PM - 1:00 PM: Lunch. A proper Melbourne experience.
- 1:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Visit a museum. The National Gallery of Victoria? The Ian Potter Centre: NGV Australia? Decisions, decisions! Try to look cultured. Pretend to understand abstract art. Secretly just hoping there's a decent cafe inside the museum.
- 4:00 PM - 6:00 PM: "Relaxation" Time in a park. The Royal Botanic Gardens sounds nice. Read a book (or pretend to), people-watch, and contemplate my life choices. Wonder if I should have taken that job offer.
- 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM: Dinner. Find a cool little restaurant. Try something adventurous and then regret it later.
- 8:00 PM - Late: Maybe catch some live music. Or, you know, collapse on my bed and watch Netflix. No judgment.
Day 3: The Great Ocean Road - Road-Tripping the Dream (Level: Advanced - Potential for Motion Sickness)
- 7:00 AM: DEEP BREATHS. Wake up on time for the Great Ocean Road tour. Apparently, this is a "must-do." Pack snacks! (Motion sickness medication is also a good idea for me.)
- 8:00 AM - 6:00 PM: The Great Ocean Road Tour! This better be as amazing as everyone says. I'm expecting epic views, dramatic cliffs, and…the Twelve Apostles. And hopefully, I won't spend the entire time throwing up. (Seriously, I get carsick every time. Pray for me.) Okay, okay, try to be present and enjoy the experience.
- Mid-day: Stop in a small town and get lunch.
- Late Afternoon/Evening: Stop at the Twelve Apostles, take photos, and try not to get blown away.
- 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM: Back to the hostel, exhausted but hopefully awestruck. Dinner at a fast food place- I am starving.
- 8:00 PM - Late: Crash into bed, dream of waves and cliffs… and maybe a toilet.
Day 4: Day of the City (Level: Moderate)
- 9:00 AM: Wake up, and go to brunch at a local cafe.
- 11:00 AM - 1:00 PM: Visit the Queen Victoria Market, and buy souvenirs and treats.
- 1:00 PM - 2:00 PM: Eat lunch.
- 2:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Visit the State Library of Victoria.
- 4:00 PM - 6:00 PM: Head back to the hostel, relax, and spend time with other guests.
- 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM: Dinner.
- 8:00 PM - Late: Go to bed and sleep.
Day 5: Food, Fandom, and a Bit of Regret (Level: Variable)
- 9:00 AM - 10:00 AM: Breakfast at a trendy cafe, trying to keep up with the Melbourne food scene. Take a picture of my avocado toast. Judge other people's avocado toast. (I'm ashamed to admit how important this feels.)
- 10:00 AM - 1:00 PM: Explore the food scene. Visit a chocolate shop.
- 1:00 PM - 2:00 PM: Have lunch.
- 2:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Explore a new neighborhood.
- 4:00 PM - 6:00 PM: Head back to the hostel, relax, and spend time with other guests.
- 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM: Dinner.
- 8:00 PM - Late: Go to bed and sleep.
Day 6: The Single Experience: Fed Square - Deep Dive into a City Plaza (Level: Intense)
- 9:00 AM: Wake up. Fed Square is a big, bold, crazy place. But it's Melbourne. I'm going to spend the whole damn day there!
- 10:00 AM - 12:00 PM: Start with the ACMI (Australian Centre for the Moving Image). Go to an exhibition. Try to act like I understand cutting-edge art. Wonder how much the admission price cost.
- 1:00 PM - 2:00 PM: Lunch at a cafe in Fed Square. People-watch. Try to decipher the "Melbourne Style" of dressing.
- 2:00 PM - 5:00 PM: Wander! Seriously, just wander. Explore the architecture. Take photos of the buildings. Find a spot and just…sit. Observe. Feel the vibes. Is this what it feels like to truly live?
- 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM: Go for dinner at a great resturant at the city square.
- 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM: Back to the hostel, reflect on this weird, wonderful, intense day. Was it worth it? Probably. Would I do it again? Maybe.
**Day 7: Goodbyes and the Bitter Pill
Hanoi's Hottest Guest House: Unbeatable Prices & Location!
So, like, what is this *actually* about? Because the title is vague, and frankly, I'm judging you.
Are we supposed to be entertained by this? Or informed? Or… what?
Okay, so, let's get into it. What's the deal with *relationships*? Because, ugh.
What about… *work*? Because I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to Mondays.
Okay, so, those are some Big Life themes, but what about the little things? Like, *stuff*?
What about *failure*? Because… yeah. It happens.
What's the deal with… *hope*? Is that even permissible?
